Moja razmišljanja i pjesme
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srijeda, siječanj 24, 2007

Osjećate li se kad tako? Svi mi vjerojatno igramo različite uloge pred starcima, u školi, na faksu, na poslu, pred prijateljima, sa dečkom/curom...Za svaku od tih uloga postoji neko specifično ponašanje kojeg vjerojatno nema u nekoj drugoj. Da, nije to nikakva novost, to su proučavali i sociolozi i psiholozi i poznato je da pazimo na sliku koju drugi imaju o nama, pa u skladu s tim se ponašamo drukčije sa svakom osobom, točnije, onako kako mislimo da ona to očekuje od nas i da će nas lakše prihvatiti. Ne govorim sad o licemjerstvu i proračunatom ponašanju, to se dešava na nekoj nesvjesnoj razini. Ali nisam zapravo o tome htjela pisat.


Meni se događa nešto drugo, slično tome. Imam osjećaj da sam druga osoba u društvu općenito, a druga kad sam sama. Vjerojatno sad svi mislite „da, ja isto, ništa čudno“. Možda si umišljam, ali meni se ta razlika čini većom nego što je normalno. Dakle, radi se o tome da kad sam doma sama, ne mislim sama u kući, već sama u svojoj sobi i ne komuniciram ni sa kim, tad sam uglavnom u nekom stanju tjeskobe, analiziranja, ispucavanja loših osjećaja plakanjem ili pisanjem pjesama, uglavnom, blago depresivna.


No, kako izgleda moj dan kad idem na faks? Ujutro se uglavnom budim sa gotovo neutralnim raspoloženjem, zapravo bez pravila, kako kad. Kad se spremim odlazim na bus u kojem sam zamišljena, vrtim sto filmova u glavi, razmišljam o jučerašnjem danu, tjednu, godini, o tome šta bi moglo bit danas na faksu, šta će biti sutra, zašto je 'on' tako hladan, koliko ću dati ispita do kraja godine...u tramvaju isto tako...Onda izlazim na tramvajskoj stanici, žurnim korakom, bez obzira da li mi se žuri ili ne, uglavnom pogledom prema gore samo zato da se u nekog ne zabijem, prelazim semafor, penjem se niz stepenice, ugledam nekog iz ekipe...i šta se dogodi? Osmjeh od uha do uha, osjećam se sretno, dobro raspoloženo, ništa nije crno (osim naravno ne položenih ispita). I naravno, kad krenem doma, osmjeh nestaje...osim ako slučajno ne sretnem nekog poznatog. Kad dođem doma odlazim u svoju sobu i počinje sve ispočetka...

Mnogi koji me znaju samo preko chata ili foruma misle da sam depresivna, dok me ne upoznaju uživo. Mnogi koji me znaju uživo, i to dovoljno dugo da pričam s njima, čude se kad im kažem 'jučer sam bila u komi', ne znam zašto, ali isplakala sam se i sad je bolje...Možda se i vama to događa, no gdje je moj problem? Vjerojatno, kao i svakog drugog, kad sam došla u pubertet, počelo me pucat pitanje smisla, smisla života, smisla mog bitka, a najviše od svega pitanje tko sam ja? Ne znam može li se ikad doći do konačnog odgovora na to pitanje ili bolje rečeno konačnog osjećaja pripadanja ovom svijetu sa određenom svrhom, pripadanja ovom tijelu sa određenim užitkom, pripadanja društvu sa određenim stavom o samome sebi...Ali cijeli život nalazimo nove dijelove odgovora na to pitanje. Pa jedan dio tog pitanja koji bi mi dao jedan dio odgovora jest jesam li ja vedra ili depresivna? Jesam li pesimista ili optimista? Kakva sam osoba? I gdje tražiti odgovor? U tome kako se mi osjećamo, ili u tome kako nas drugi vide? Neki  tvrde da sebe možemo spoznati samo kroz druge, odnosno da ne možemo imati mišljenje o sebi ako nije u kontekstu ponašanja, odnosa i interakcija sa i prema drugim ljudima.. Mislim da je to točno, jer kako ćemo znati da smo dobra osoba ako ne gledamo kako se ponašamo prema drugima? No, opet, to što netko misli da sam ja vedra i optimistična je zabluda, još je veća zabluda onih preko interneta koji misle da sam depresivna i pesimistična. Pa šta sam onda? Dvije krajnosti u jednoj biti? Znate li još da sam sitnjicava i neuredna, naivna i skeptična, tvrdoglava i tolerantna...Nekad mi se čini da sam paradoksalna, odgovor na moje 'tko sam?' kao da se protivi svim logičkim zaključcima...


 

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